Confessions a 20th century ne'er do well: Drinking, fighting, stealing and other things one generally ought not do

Thursday, January 26, 2006

44 Facts about Bananaman

So, I'm sick and unemployed. A low point. I had a fever of over 100. Which is gone now, but I haven't been sleeping, so still a little beat down. I feel like half this illness is worry induced. I'm trying to rest my mind as well as body. I think it's due. I just turned on the Dukes of Hazzard which I never watch, and it's the exact same episode I saw the last time I watched the Dukes years ago. What a rip off! And it's a Coy and Vance episode. Those names are one step away from Jack and Ennis. OK The Dukes sucks. There's nothing else on, so I'll probably start some job search stuff again.
In the mean time, I have taken a few moments to review for you:


1. Bananaman's favorite Mel Brooks movie is "Silent Movie", because of the scene where Bernadette Peters is introduced. I'm sorry. I should have called her Bernanadette.
2. While there is chatter about Hamas winning the Palestinian election, don't confuse "Hamas" which is a middle eastern militant group with "Bananahamas" which is a pleasant island in the Carribean.
3. Bananaman appeared in season one of the Muppet Show.
4. Bananaman is thoroughly knowledgable in the ancient secrets of Kabanallna, but he rarely speaks about it, and never to the uninitiated.
5. Bananaman is a master of the Tai Chi movement, "Repelling the monkey."
6. This guy at Toni Dinapoli's made a balloon bananaman which looked nothing like a banana, but was yellow and green.
7. On my birthday, the Empire State Building was green - the color of Bananas before they ripen.
8. Bananaran and Bananaraq are two Banarabian countries that are often hostile to the United States.
9. The fate of the controversial West Banank still remains to be seen.
10. Your girlfriend gets pretty pissed when you change her name to Balicianaman.
11. Long before there was Bananaman, there was dapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdapdap
12. He sometimes hosts a 'McLaughlin Group' style news talk show.
13. He's not gay, but he's not straight.
14. He once thought he had jaundice, but then realized, 'how could I even tell?'
15. Noone knows where he lives, but it could be New York City, even though it's known as 'The Big Apple'. Bananaman is not petty about that sort of thing.
16. He is sometimes found guilty in a court of law, but always has the case overturned on appeal.
17. He once entered the Bananamobile in what he called a Bana-nascar race, but he lost, because it's one of those big inflatable yellow things that needs a boat to tow it in order to move.
18. He sometimes rides a bicycle with a banana seat, of course, and when he's working out, he wears bananadex.
19. There is a Bananamobile in a Bloodhound Gang video.
20. Man 1: You've got a banana in your ear.
Man 2: What?
Man 1: You've got a banana in your ear.
Man 2: What?
Man 1: You've got a banana in your ear.
Man 2: What? I can't hear you. I've got a banana in my ear!
21. In addition to banana republics, there are also Banana democracies, a cause Bananaman has long championed? They include our friend to the north, Bananada, a small island on the Asian coast, Jabanana, and of course, Bananastan, where the war for democracy rages to this very day.
While banana republics are so named because their major export is bananas, banana democracies are so named because they are commonly called by a name that is easily manipulated into integrating the word banana. Then is the controversial Asian city of Bananacock.
22. Bananaman’s archnemisis is Cuisinarts, “The Griddler” because it's really pronouncedthe "Gorilladdler"
23. His vehicle of choice is one of those big long yellow things that gets dragged around behind a boat. It's really not such a convenient or useful mode of transportation.
24. Bananaman is not a guy dressed as a banana any more than a mailman is a guy dressed as the mail.
25. We live in a world where talking about Bananaman is not a marketable skill.
26. One time, Bananaman and Letterman from The Electric Company were fighting a torrential downpour. In his attempt to pull the "d" off of his varsity sweater and turn the "rain" into a "drain", a gust of wind pulled the letter out of Letterman's hand and turned Bananaman into BanDanaman!
27. The next sequel to "2001 a space oddessy" reveals that the original monolith from the first book and movie not only taught gorrilas how to use tools, it also taught them how to eat bananas. This was of course, a diabolical plot to erase the existence of Bananaman from history altogether. Don't worry, in the year 20001, Bananaman makes his triumphant return. Fortunately, we live in reality and don't have to worry about such ludicris twists of reality.
28. Bruce Springsteen has a song called "Half Man, Half Monkey" Would such a creature eat bananas? I think maybe not. A man eats bananas, and a monkey, too, eats bananas, so wouldn't they cancel each other out?
29. Bananaman often uses the defense, "But it's got appeal!", and this is the only joke that Bananaman uses. Sometimes a newcomer will call Bananaman "yellow," but that person quickly learns not to because Bananaman will react by displaying a foolish defiance, in the vein of Jim Stark, and everyone around will then have to save him.
30. Often, a child will be born who looks like a banana, which can only mean one thing. However most husbands will try to pull off the claim that it is actually his child, because it reflects positively on his own genetic make up.
31. Joe Franklin once gave me a banana.
32. He once jumped over a shark and ended up on the bottom of the ocean.
33. The reason he’s lived for over 1000 years is that he only eats bananas.
34. He once went to Africa and lived in the jungle among bananas, and became their high priest. Before bananaman, no bananas ever buried their dead, and when he left, nobody carried on that practice.
35. He once interrupted a bank robbery where the robber was outside screaming “Attica! Attica!” at the cops by standing next to him and screaming, “Bananaca! Bananaca!”
36. His weakness is that he’s afraid of gorillas and monkeys.
37. He was very upset and scared for life when his father told him that his mother was not a banana, but was actually a whore (she gave him up for adoption and went into crack rehab).
38. He is ambivalent about the invasion of Iraq, but was vehemently opposed to the invasion of Bananastan.
39. In one scene, his wife becomes upset at his banana obsession. She screams at him, “Would you stop with the whole Bananaman thing already!” He answered pleadingly, “But people find that appealing!” which made her more upset and start hitting him, “Would you STOP IT!!!!!”
40. Some Mexican guy once leapt out of his bodega and pointed in the air, exclaiming “Mira! Es Senor El Hombre de Los Platanos!”
41. A little girl once hugged him and said, “Bananaman, I love you.”
42. Master Shake once told Meatwad, "If you're gonna cheat, you might as well paint yourself yellow, run around like a maniac, and call yourself Bananaman..... cause that's what you're doin'!"
43. Q: What's scarier? Finding a bat in your house, or finding a banana in your house?
A: Finding a banana. Bats can fly, so it probably just flew in there. But Bananas don't have any way to get around, so if it somehow got into your house, it must be some kind of supernatural banana, and that's scary!
44. The first time I mentioned Bananaman on my blog was on June 22, 2004.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Top 18 wedding ideas that have been rejected

1. Having Bananaman officiate
2. Registering for gifts at Chick-fil-a
3. Since weddings bands might not be that good, just showing the latest live Bruce DVD.
4. Having the party at a bar, with guests wearing wrist bands, so the bartender knows who gets to drink free from the keg.
5. When we say our vows, having the vows say that if you’re gonna cheat you might as well paint yourself yellow….
6. Having the ceremony in a swimming pool.
7. Having our wedding song be the Benny Hill theme; Having everybody chase us around the room while it plays.
8. Get married on top of the Empire State Building after I climb up there on the outside with her in my hand while planes shoot at us.
9. A bunch of natives kidnap her off of a boat and tie her to two posts where she waits for me to crash through the jungle and take her to my mountain lair.
10. Get married in a casino. We have a game of War in front of everybody. When we both get the same card, instead of going to war, we share the the whole deck, symbolizing out partnership, and that's when we get married.
11. We do the same thing, except instead of cards, we play chess. We keep playing chess until a game ends in stalemate, at which point we get married.
12. Instead of a wedding cake, have a wedding banana.
13. Make yamurlkes out of bananapeels.
14. Have Otis Day and the Nights be the band.
15. Registering at EBay. Have guests bid for stuff that’s already in our apartment.
16. Having the wedding on a Saturday.
17. Holding the wedding at a venu that hosts multiple functions so if our party sucks, we can just go to another one.
18. Inviting both George Bush and Bill Clinton to the wedding and sitting them with people who love to hate them. Having George Bush officiate.